While I may not have been in love with her, I do love her, who she is. I wouldn't change a thing about her. I've wanted to say that to someone for a while now, but I've had no outlet. It feels slightly better I guess.
I just want her back. I want the fun we had back. I can't believe I let my paranoia get the best of me. Its like I fell back into high school. So stupid.
I think the thing she said that hurt the most was that she felt like I would, "Dampen her life". I don't know, I guess that shows how much she knows me. I try and find absurd things to do in life. It's what makes it fun. It's why I ran around a cruise ship at night with my cousin when I was about 14 or 15, we were trying to find some kind of trouble for us all to get into. I remember we met this one kid, sid was his name I think. We snuck out onto the decks at night after they had been closed.
I don't know, of all my friends, I am generally the most likely to do something ridiculous. I'm the most likely to say, "Hey, what's over there?" and just run off before anyone can stop me.
I mean, I have dozens of stories from when I went up to chicago and got stranded. Man, some of the people I met and some of the stuff I ended up doing. Thrilling.
Maybe that's why I've been in a rut lately. I haven't had fun like that in a while. Maybe that's why I miss her so much, I thought we could get into that kinda fun together.
Last night, I tried to get some of that rush back. Went out exploring at about 11:30. Snuck up to the school by my dads house. Cased the old Scientology Church, which was actually too eerie for me. Walked the train rails for probably half a mile. Came across some old hobo pits. Found a playground tennis court area, climbed almost all of it to see which piece had the best view of the moon. Made a 12 foot jump off of one of those pieces, only to have to dive behind an embankment to avoid some cops. Hopped a few fences. Too bad it was too hot for me to really deal with, Otherwise I think I'd have gone poking around the creek some more, perhaps walked into a few construction sites.
I don't know, maybe I'm not her kind of crazy. Maybe I'm a different kind of crazy.
I've been basically reassembling myself over the past few days. I let her in close, she struck deep. I kind of remember why I have the monicker of the "Lone Wolf" now.
Maybe she'd hinder me.
I don't know really. I can't really tell. She never really gave me the chance. I wish she would.
I think the worst part of it all is that if we don't get back together, which, as the days carry on, feels less and less likely, I'm going to see her at some of the concerts I'll be going to. I know for a fact that would hinder my fun significantly.
Maybe it's time for me to think about a change of scenery. I did try and run away the other day, only for god to kick me in the face and shout, "Fool, escape is something only meant for dreams."
I just miss her. Her smile. Her kiss. Her laugh. Just, everything about her. Goddamnit. I want a second chance.